Rob Grad

I GOT SICK. THANK GOD.

2012-01-15T19:07:00.000-08:00

I got sick this week. Normally when I feel it coming on, I get bummed out. It puts a wrinkle in my plans. I get behind in work. This time however, it turned out to be a gift. It forced me to take a nap. I took some time off work. I watched a couple of art movies i’ve been wanting to see which were both totally inspiring, and I learned some things. I started recording a song I’ve been putting off because i was too busy (I can record in my pajamas at my desk. Actually pretty relaxing).

We even watched “I Am” last night. It’s a documentary by Tom Shadyac (director, Ace Ventura and a ton of other huge comedies) who had a life changing fall and rethought his life. The movie was much more scientific in nature than I expected. I thought it would be a touchy feely thing about how our priorities are all screwed up. And how love will conquer all. In the end, it sort of was about all that. But from a scientific perspective. How we are hard wired not for wars, greed, competition and loneliness, but for community. He basically says that our “me first” society goes against nature and will ultimately be our civilization’s demise if we don’t change it. They point to all kinds of examples in nature. it was fascinating.

When it was over and we popped on some regular tv, It was hard to watch. The headspace that he talked about in the movie is visible on almost every channel. The news, stupid shows and the onslaught of promotion which usually only gives me mild nausea became unwatchable.

Now that my cold is in its final stages, the trick is to stay in this head space. To not allow myself to get sucked back down by all my obligations and responsibilities. They are piled up, there is no doubt. The thing is, I don’t really need to think about it. It’s all there. i know it’s there. i know what is on the list. I don’t have to constantly look at it and think about it. My priorities have landed back on the things that matter most to me, which is a place i struggled to get to on my own. I am finally in a flow, chipping away at all my projects.

So thank God for those tiny little microbes i picked up from someone at a party or the market. If you’re feeling overwhelmed like I was, at the next party you go to, i highly recommend spending some quality time with a runny nosed kid.

GROUNDHOG DAY. Sayonara 2011!

2012-01-03T09:21:00.000-08:00

I couldn’t sleep lastnight. I had too much on my mind. I flipped through the guide channel to findsomething mindless to watch, noticing that most of my favorite late night showswere still on holiday. I happened to see “Groundhog Day” in the listings. Ilove that movie, and haven’t watched it for a long time so I figured I’d put iton for a few minutes.

The brilliance of thismovie still blows me away. For some cosmic reason Bill Murray wakes up in thesame day every day. Most of us have felt this way at some point. Days cansometimes look frighteningly similar. It’s a clever concept, but it’s theemotional arc he travels through in this movie that is genius and real to me.

He wants the girl. Hetries to manipulate her. He learns everything about her to please her and winher over. He does all the “right” things. It almost works but he blows it. He’snot genuine and she winds up seeing through the act.

He then realizes hecan’t “make it happen” and there is no way out. He loses it. He stops caringall together because it’s useless. He even tries to kill himself. Many times.Still doesn’t work. He finally surrenders to his situation and gets honest withhimself and everyone. He becomes more humble through the tragedy of hisexperiences. You think this is the end, but it’s not. He has a nice day withher, but it still doesn’t set himfree.

With all other optionsexhausted, he decides to make the most of it. He takes piano lessons. Learns tosculpt ice. He tries to make everybody’s day better. She’s intrigued andfinally falls for him. A new him. And he’s free. It’s a new day.

I’ve gone through all ofthis in my life at various times in various ways. I want what I want. Whetherit’s the girl, the money, the fame, whatever. Things don’t go my way. I getfrustrated. I try to stick it out, but still nothing happens. I then give upand stop caring because it all seems useless.

A mentor of mine once said that when we make a decision to changesomething in our lives, the universe tests our resolve. I don’t know if it’strue, but it seems like it sometimes. And if it is true, then my resolve was tested this year.

I won’t miss 2011. I was a tough year. It’shard to keep my sights set on the things I want when I’m exhausted at the endof the day. 2012 will be interesting. I’m determined to make changes. I’m proudof some of the things I’ve done, but I know my life isn’t being lived exactlyright. And I need to change that. I tried to do the “right” things. Didn’twork. I gave up. That didn’t work either. It’s time now for me to make the mostof it.

I wish you a “most of it” 2012 J

OUTLIERS

2011-11-12T19:39:00.001-08:00

I read Outliers recently. Malcolm Gladwell's new book. Interesting stuff that has really changed how I'm looking at things. It's about how they've documented that real success is more a product of work, opportunity and circumstances rather than raw talent. Explains a lot really. And even though he doesn't mention it, to me, it has interesting spiritual overtones.

If circumstances dictate that much, and have THAT much influence, it levels the playing field. We can all do a lot more than we probably think. And it got me thinking, which of my circumstances might be giving me an extra opportunity?

The place I grew up. The classes I took. The classes I didn't take. The friends I made, and the friends I walked away from. It's mind boggling.

There's a great quote from Thom Yorke of Radiohead awhile back that blew me away. They had just named Kid A one of the greatest albums of the last decade and the interviewer was asking him how they did it. He said they were all listening to Miles Davis at the time. They tried to make a Miles Davis album, but none of them could play like Miles. So it naturally bastardized into something original.

I feel that way about most of my artistic endeavors. I want to do a particular thing, but I can't. I don't have the right skill set. I walk away feeling like I failed. Then I'll come back after some time away and realize it came out just right.

FIRST THING I READ THIS MORNING

2011-10-05T13:28:00.001-07:00

from "Running on Empty" by Charles Bukowski

...do you see
now that you see that
everything they told us
was wrong?

the elephant caught
like that
and caged
like that?

the way they tricked us
and caged us too?

...what you do see is that
what mattered most
doesn't matter so much
anymore

Amazing poem. i've been noticing lately that many of the things that used to matter so much to me, don't matter all that much anymore. I've grown. And I've changed. And I'm finding myself in a new self that I need to adapt to. Confused? Me too.

PEARL JAM 20 YEAR MOVIE

2011-09-29T09:38:00.001-07:00

I went to see the Pearl Jam 20 year reunion movie the other night in Hollywood. It got some luke warm reviews, but I was drawn to it and wanted to see it.

All the old footage was great. It took me right back. Being in Kik Tracee at the time those guys broke, I saw that period from my perspective. It was cool to see more about their experience. Music needed a reality check. And it got it. I remember hearing the Nirvana album for the first time and instantly knowing the world had changed. Like millions of others, I loved it.

I drove down Sunset Blvd. afterward, even though there are shorter routes to my house. I listened to "Nevermind." So many memories. It was inspiring. I wasn't capable of being the kind of person I wanted to be back then. I was confused and didn't trust myself as a person or an artist.

I'm in the process of a restart of my life right now, and I see that I have developed certain qualities I lacked back then. I feel good about where I am today. Art means something different to me. I understand things I didn't before. Experience is a hard, but effective teacher. And even though the body starts to shrivel, growing up has its perks.

HAPPY FACEBOOKIRTHDAY!

2011-09-20T22:03:00.001-07:00

Last week was my birthday. I love my birthday. I don't always make a big deal or event out of it, but I always make sure to take at least part of the day to myself. It's good for reflection. Where am I? Where was I last year? Am I headed in a good direction? It's my own little personal holiday.

In 2009 I was in Europe and had one of the most profound experiences of my life. Last year I was in Nevada City and went for a beautiful dinner. This year it was off to the desert and I took most of the day off.

Through a bizarre set of circumstances, the possibility of cold hamburgers in the parking lot for my birthday dinner due to a massive power outage, turned into a fabulous dinner in a beautiful restaurant paid for by the hotel.

I'm a lucky guy. I forget that sometimes.

And Facebook. Some people say that Facebook friends aren't real friends. And I agree in some respects. But I have to balance that by saying that I've had some pretty great conversations with people half way across the world. And Facebook Birthdays. All those messages. All day. It just feels good. A lot of people thought enough of me to take a second when they saw it was my birthday and post. Good stuff. Thank you for all the calls and posts :)

GOAL ATTAINMENT RITUAL

2011-08-11T20:30:00.000-07:00

I brush my teeth at night for the same reason we all do. I'm hedging my bets, hoping my pearly whites don't fall out of my head before I die, when I won't need them anymore.

So I go to brush my teeth last night like I always do. Nothing special. I noted how tired I looked in the mirror, squeezed some paste out of the tube and started scrubbing my teeth. I just wanted to get back to bed and watch the end of Stephen Colbert before I went to sleep. It had been a long day.

I was completely on autopilot, my hand doing its' obligitory robotic circular motion, when I got this crazy thought...

"I'm actually cleaning something right now. My teeth."

Never occurred to me. Somehow I learned that circular scrubbing motion when I was a kid, labeled it "brushing my teeth" and never revisited the topic. For all these years I've used the same hand motions never actually trying to clean my teeth! I was just moving the brush around in my mouth like I learned.

In light of this fabulous new information, I decided last night to focus on the hand motions necessary to "clean my teeth".

It was literally an entirely different motion of my hand! Blew my mind.

What other things have I accepted as "the way it is" and never questioned again? I bet there's a ton. I'm on the hunt now.

Maybe it's the David Hockney book I'm reading on perspective right now that has me reanalyzing and looking everything differently. I don't know, but I can't remember a time when brushing my teeth blew my mind like that. Pretty cool :)

WWPD?

2011-06-12T20:28:00.000-07:00

I saw Peter Gabriel at the Santa Barbara Bowl last night with his "New Blood Orchestra". Beautiful place. Amazing show. I was fortunate enough to see them at the Hollywood Bowl a few months ago as well. I'm not sure which one I liked better. Maybe last night. They switched up some songs, adding some new ones. "Biko." "Blood of Eden."

Fabulous.

Peter was pulling out all the stops to keep his voice going. Swigging tea and honey from a little bench they wheeled out next to him, but he totally pulled it off.

"Red Rain" and "Signal To Noise" are still a high points of the show as I remembered them being at the Hollywood Bowl. And of course "Solsbury Hill". Especially when they morphed into a Bach overture at the end. I didn't remember that bit. I think it's new. He and his daughter smile at each other sometimes as she sings backup vocals. Good stuff.

I'm not always a fan of pop or rock stars with orchestras. It can be pretentious and unfortunate. Sometimes it works though. This totally did. He worked with people who made great arrangements and seemed to understand the emotional nature of his songs. And his songs lent themselves to this format.

I think that's what struck me most about the show as I'm examining my next steps in my own creative life. He is such a great example to me. WWPD? What Would Peter Do? Maybe I'll get a wrist bracelet....

What do I want to do? Where do I see my life going from here? It's all up to me. I have new options open. New paths I'm considering following.

Peter is a true artist. The kind that inspires me. He pushes himself, creates beauty and says meaningful things that I can understand. And I get to walk out singing a little tune.

Song hanging in our heads last night on the way to the car??? "digging in the dirt, to find the places we got hurt...digging in the dirt..."

WHAT'S THAT SOUND?

2011-05-23T20:25:00.000-07:00

I was sitting on my couch last night, taking a few minutes before going to drawing class (I'm taking a night drawing class. It's been awesome).

Outside I heard bells. That song! I actually had to listen hard at first because I couldn't believe it. Is that what I think it is?

"An ice cream truck!"

That big familiar white truck. Driving up the street. And the memories rolled in. We used to have one that came up our block in Granada Hills when I was a kid. I'd hear that same sound and wonder if I had enough time to run home, get some change and catch the guy. Sometime a few other kids would pull him over and buy me some time.

I woundn't always make it. And sometimes my mother wouldn't let me get anything.

Last night there were no kids. Just a lonely truck driving up the street. I felt sad. I should've run out to buy something from him but it was time to leave for class. And so it goes.

Ice cream men are a thing of the past. I started wondering, does he have a family? I hope he still sells enough to feed them. It's probably his second or third job. In my opinion, an ice cream man should make a good living. He brings joy. There are a lot of trades that no longer earn much money, but should in my opinion.

I suppose there are also new things and professions coming up. That's the way it works. It's just change. Simple and real. Everything changes. Growing up is a trip. Literally. If he comes our way again, I'll be ready. I wonder if he still sells the Rocket Pops. Although my personal favorite was always the classic ice cream sandwich.

LA TIMES FESTIVAL OF BOOKS, BEN & JERRYS, AND A HIGH BROW DAY OF LOFTY THINKING

2011-05-01T20:18:00.000-07:00

Miss Ellie and I went to the LA Times Festival of Books yesterday. I had never heard of it, but evidently it's been a big event here in LA for years. We got lucky on parking and sailed right in. First order of business was lunch. Wahoo's fish tacos in the food court. Then, the Ben & Jerry's truck was giving away free new flavors to promote a collaboration with Target. Couldn't pass that up. So the first 2 hours of our high brow literary experience was spent on yummies. Who could blame us? We were hungry.

Bellies satisfied, we finally perused the grounds. What a great place. I was pleased to see so many people at an event put on by a newspaper. We signed up for the Sunday LA Times recently. It's fun getting the paper. Soon to be a thing of the past.

I grabbed a bunch of museum pamphlets as I'm always interested in what they're showing, and I want to start bringing my art+music shows to museums. We also saw all kinds of publishers, book stores, and independent authors with booths. The woman in line behind us at Wahoo's said that there are more "readers" in Los Angeles than any other city in the US. Is that possible????

We also attended a lecture by 4 writers talking about the changing music business. "Music: A Business In Flux" or something like that. I usually attend lectures by "regular industry types" and not authors. This was interesting. Different perspective. They went back and forth about how there is no money in making music anymore and therefore the art form is basically going to crap.

One interesting thing I was left with that came up at the end....Back in the 60's, if you wanted to change the world, you might record an album. These days, if you want to change the world, you'd probably create an App. Facebook is the perfect example. Music is no longer as tied to social change and awareness as it used to be. We digest it like a snack. Yum! Rebecca Black wasn't all that different than my free "Voluntiramisu" from Ben & Jerry's today.

I sat on a curb while we laughed, cracked a few jokes and enjoyed the cool, creamy coffee flavor for the 5 minutes I was eating it. Then promptly discarded it into the trash can before continuing my day with a vague memory of enjoying something I ate.

ONWARD HO

2011-04-19T20:22:00.000-07:00

It's been a hazy few days since my show last Thursday. It was such a fast pace in the lead up to that night, and now I'm playing catch up with all the pieces of my life I left at the curb while focused on that single task. It's ironic how I built an art+music show called "Door No.1" about passing through doors, making choices, the changes that happen in life as a result, and now I feel as though I've passed through a door of my own in the process. I feel different. Something happened. I'm not even sure what yet.

I'm excited about my new songs that are associated with this show and the artwork as well. A lot of new possibilities. I'll post pictures of the new work this week and the songs should be listenable in another few weeks.

I was left with a beautiful feeling about a handful of my friends that really showed up for me. It was an unfathomable amount of work to put this on and they really came through.

Choices.

And so now...a few more days to catch my breath, and onward!

I BELIEVE IT

2011-03-23T19:34:00.000-07:00

I've been so busy painting and working on new songs lately, that once again, the most interesting of my days go undocumented. I tend to work well under deadlines though. The short timeline forces me to make decisions quickly that I would otherwise overdeliberate because I have the luxury of time.

Time. I have 3 more weeks until my first showing of "Door No.1" in Los Angeles. I'm really excited. I learned so much from my last couple shows. This one is feeling really good.

As I've been working, I find myself thinking about struggles. As I get closer to my deadline, I struggle less. I go with the flow more because I have to. I think, "pink", and I grab the pink paint. No time to overthink. Interestingly enough, the work gets better because of that. It means more. It comes from a different place.

Amazing how powerful the things I tell myself can be. It seems that at some level I believe everything I say!!!

THE SITE OF MY NEXT ART+MUSIC SHOW

2011-03-09T19:37:00.000-08:00

I shot this awhile back, and thought I'd show you what the room looks like...great place.

MUDDY WATERS

2011-01-26T19:29:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I get uncomfortable for no reason. It just happens. In actuality there is a reason, but not one I particularly feel like doing anything about. It's how life is. I press on. That's what we do, right? So tonight I'm working on my new website listening to Muddy Waters feeling like the most boring man alive.

Current track: "Mannish Boy"

Now, I'm not necessarily a big blues guy, but this is AWESOME. When I listen carefully there's a whole other world easily missed on a casual listen. I think we casually listen to our lives too much.

I borrowed a bunch of cds from my friend Scott to dive into some great songs, great playing, and re-fertilize my soil. It's working. I love talking dirty...

THE CHURCH BELLS ARE RINGING

2010-08-09T12:25:00.000-07:00

It's Sunday morning and the church bells are ringing. Literally. I live across the street from a church and it's ten minutes to 9. The first sermon starts at 9. This same bell has been rung every Sunday for the past 150 years. Nevada City, CA, where I live, was built during the 1850's when they found "gold in them there hills!"

There's something about the sound of that deep, slow clang that I find comforting. I don't know if it's some DNA memory of western culture over hundreds of years, or just the fact that somehow after 8 months of living here, it now says to me, "good morning, it's Sunday!"

I work most Sundays so it's not like it signifies a day off, but I always try to take a walk or do at least one thing to clear my head before the weekly cycle repeats itself. People are more relaxed on Sundays. They sit at cafes or window shop. Traffic isn't as predicable. I like the energy of just walking down the street.

The bell will ring again about 10:15 as a call for the 10:30 sermon. I haven't gone to any sermons yet so I don't know how they are. I haven't even been inside the church. They sold hot dogs there during the Christmas festival and they have events in the back room from time to time. That door is right across the tiny street outside my window.

I'm not Christian or Catholic, so church visits have mostly been limited to weddings and odd special occasions in my life. But I love that big bell ringing. And I love Sundays. I love living next to a landmark. So much history in this small beautiful town.

With 3 new art + music shows booked before the end of the year, my plate is full. My days are mostly filled with painting, new songs, graphic design, and trying to find ways to pay for art show supplies while keeping my lights on. This schedule doesn't care what day of the week the calendar says it is.

It's a great life mostly, but I'm also feeling a lot of pressure. Even painting and music have a lot of logistics involved. I find it difficult to just "turn it on" and "turn it off" during the specified periods quarantined for creativity (if there are any). It lacks a certain romance. But I'm grateful to have as many opportunities as I do, and I plan on making the most of every one with the resources at my disposal.

Somehow on Sunday the load feels lighter. I'll probably be leaving Nevada City soon for work reasons, but I'm going to enjoy this place and those church bells as much as I can until then.

PHEW!

2010-06-07T21:54:00.000-07:00

Wow. This year has been quite a blur so far. I finally released my "No Apologies" cd. I also got the idea, booked and delivered my first art & music show. After 3 1/2 months of round the clock working, refining, and learning, i packed my car and drove to LA. With a lot of help, I got it set up and it went amazing. I had no idea how much work it was going to be, but sometimes a little naivete can help us be bold. Or stupid. In this case, I'd call it bold. Maybe because it worked. If it hadn't, I'd be saying it was stupid. Amazing how sometimes just when we need it, the right person or thing shows up.

In spite of all its beauty, the world feels broken and inefficient to me most of the time. But every so often, things just click.

I was able to donate some of the proceeds from the show to the frostig center to help children with learning disabilities. It felt great to do. I'm really enjoying painting, and pursuing all the new ideas i have now as well. My world and my mind are open. And now that I got a little sleep, I'm interested to see what's next. More art shows are in the works, new multimedia ideas, songs, and a shorter stint in europe beginning in a week or so. Goin' back to Dali's house!

Got Shine?

2010-01-26T19:10:00.001-08:00

I had to go down to LA for a few days for some meetings and a couple of cowriting sessions. After living in LA for so long, it felt strange to be flying in for a visit. But it felt good. I'm loving living in the mountains right now. New ideas are flowing in every day. This is quickly turning into one of the most creative periods of my life.

I was hungry (what else is new?) at the airport and had some free time before boarding, so I grabbed a burrito at La Salsa in the food court in my terminal. I was sitting eating my lunch when I noticed a little shoe shine stand to my left. Shoe shine stands are pretty common in a lot of airports, but the girl who was working there was a whole different story. Black hat. Leopard scarf. Patent leather apron. And light blue eyes with a vibe you could feel from the Cinnabon to the Mongolian BBQ. Just looking at her made me smile.

I finished my lunch wondering if she'd let me take her picture. She was inspiring and would be a great painting. It's hard for me to ask people sometimes because they tend to have no idea how interesting they are and wonder why I'd want their picture. Then I have to explain how fabulous they are, and because they don't believe it themselves, they almost never believe me. And then IF they say "yes", the picture is uncomfortable and forced. I guess my technique needs improvement.

I figured it was worth trying though, so I walked up and asked this girl. At first she looked at me weird and was probably wondering what my deal was. Was I creepy? Was I trying to pick her up? She thought for a minute then said "if you get your shoes shined, you can take my picture."

"How much?"

"$7.50."

"Done."

She obliged the photo below. Her name was Angelina. The back of her shirt said "Got Shine?" and as you can see her last name was a stage name. Evidently she's a "Shine Therapist." She then said that her shift was over and her co-shiner, Michelle, a licensed "Shinologist," would actually be working on my boots. No problem. I'm glad I didn't wait any longer to ask. And I'm glad I was wearing boots. My sneakers wouldn't have allowed this to happen.

Michelle proceeded to not only shine my boots, but make them look better than they did when I brought them home new. While she was working, a man walked up and asked if he could be next. She said yes, and he climbed up on the seat next to me. The chairs were those tall regal old school shining thrones. So there we were. Two kings chatting for a few minutes while Michelle performed her mini miracle on my feet.

Joel was a financial planner with clients in 19 states, and a really cool guy. We talked about the world, music, money, life and the finer points of Davis, California. I got his card, and if I had any finances worth planning, I'd certainly want to call him.

When Michelle finished my boots I shook both their hands and walked away a happy man with a handful of great new memories...and some damn shiny boots. It was the perfect beginning to what turned into a wildly successful trip to LA.

So if you ever find yourself in the Southwest Airlines terminal at Sacramento airport, wear some shoes worth shining. And bring your camera. It'll be worth it.

Before Angelina left, she asked me what I do for a living. When I told her, she got excited and asked if I'd write a blog about my experience. So Angelina, here you go. Thanks for making my day.

WHAT'S THAT? SNOW?

2009-12-08T22:28:00.000-08:00

After over 6 months of travel, hotels, couches, extra rooms and floors, I got to say something today that I haven't said since April..."I'm home." I left the city to be closer to nature for awhile and create. I've been working the whole time since I've been moving around and I'm tired. It's been an incredible ride and this new chapter feels good.

I'm in the mountains and it's snowing here right now. For an LA boy like me, this is quite an event.

I spent my 2 months in Los Angeles in meetings and developing an idea I have. Now I'm here in this new place to create new art. New music. I'm excited about what's next for me. My "No Apologies" cd will be released in January and I'm excited about it.

This is something I've always wanted to do. Make a space to simply be with myself with minimal distractions and see what comes up. One more time in my life I'm stepping out of my box. Out of my comfort zone to see how the weather is...and it's a beautiful day.

The Home Depot Art and Hobby Store

2009-11-18T22:03:00.000-08:00

I stopped by Home Depot the other day to check on the price of different wood options for some art I'm working on. I'm not exactly the handiest guy in the world, but I love Home Depot. As soon as I start wandering the aisles, I get ideas. Wild, fun and totally bizarre ones...that copper piping would make a great frame with some wire. Or a collage of these vents could be really cool. Maybe that gate would look good on a wall with one of those signs. Or a collage of those signs....It's endless.

So I'm roaming the lumber section and contractors are looking at me funny. They're there for work supplies and I'm in my city boy boots with nice jeans all clean and proper. Inevitably one of the guys that works there comes up, "can I help you, boss?" And I ask about the properties of caulking and whether it could spiral into a cone to make a volcano. Or how to use it to make an igloo. He looks at me, laughs and then tries to answer my question. I bet they get a lot of crazy questions working there...from those contractors, to the clueless "do it yourselfer", to the artists like me. Some of the people that work there really do know a lot. And I'm grateful.

Next time you're bored or in the mood for an adventure, I suggest a visit. Recommended visiting hours are after 10pm if your local store is open that late or weekday afternoons if you're fortunate enough to have the time to go during that window. Try the lumber section. Electrical. Plumbing and lighting.

Open your mind and have fun. A tin man made from foil and metal piping might be just what you need for your garden. Or a giant ball of multicolored tape could work beautifully in that entry way. What says, "I love you. C'mon in and relax" more than that?

Happy Tuesday

2009-10-27T19:43:00.000-07:00

I can't believe it's been this long since my last post. Amazing...I find myself in the now familiar position of experiencing so much in the span of such a short time, it's impossible to keep up with my writing. The more I open myself up to my new life, the more it's opening itself to me.

Returning to Los Angeles has been difficult. I'm traveling still which helps (recent adventures include a 10 day Buddhist meditation course and a songwriter event in Colorado), but it's distracting for me here...and I miss Europe...the people, the way of life....the beauty. Not that LA isn't beautiful. It is. But it's not what my soul is calling for right now. I want quiet. I want nature. I want new experiences. I want to create more. So I've decided not to stay. I'm not sure where I'm going yet, but that's not a new concept for me. It'll reveal itself. I'll go on a couple pilgrimages and check it out.

Having had the experiences of the past 5 months has left me altered. I'm still me, but different. I'm not comfortable in my old clothes. I'm not comfortable in my old car. I'm not comfortable in my old city. It's weird, but I've learned to listen to these feelings and roll with them. Trust them. Let the old skin fall away. It's been fun shopping for new clothes. I go into these stores with absolutely no idea what I want. Literally. I wait for something to appeal to me and then I try it on. The sales person always asks "can I help you find something?"

"I don't know what I like anymore. Any suggestions?"

When I do find something, some of it works, and some is ridiculous. The boots I like. The new hat, yes. That scarfy thing at the Levi's store?....not so much. And that electric blue button down shirt was hilarious. It looked good in my mind...what can I say? At least I had the sense not to purchase it. Wish I could say that about that leather vest I bought in the 90's. It sat in my closet abandoned for years. I never took the tag off, but couldn't bring myself to donate it to the Indian Guides.

To say that I'm living in a new headspace is an understatement of apocolyptic proportions, but I can say this. As challenging as what I'm doing is for me, I've never felt so free, both emotionally and physically, calm, creative and content with my life.

Happy Tuesday

The Magic Hat

2009-09-11T15:45:00.001-07:00

I lost my hat.
The magic hat.
It's been in almost every picture I've taken of myself on this European trip, as well as in all my videos.
I loved that hat.
I'm thinking of writing a eulogy for it. I either left it or dropped it somewhere around the train station in Marseilles while looking for the bus depot to take me to Aix-en-Provence. I had it. Walked 3 blocks to find the bus and when I there, it was gone. Vanished. And I was too tired to walk back up the hill. I had gone too far and would've had too many places to look. I had to let it go.

That hat could take any ensemble I came up with and make it look good, no matter how silly or questionable my hygeine i was. It was perfect for bad hair days...or when I just didn't want to deal with it. And being that I'm currently on a 10 day trip with only a tiny backpack (didn't want to bring the orange dufflebeast), it was the last shred of vanity I was clinging to. All bets are off now. I'm in hotels, so my skin is clean, but that's about all I can vouch for at this point.

I had to make some tough choices packing this bag. The razor didn't make it. Too heavy. And after 6 threatening emails from Ryanair about the weight limit for my carry on, I wasn't going to risk it. Couldn't I have made a different sacrifice? Perhaps. But 2 pair of pants wasn't going to cut it, and I had to bring all my work stuff.

I'm in Aix-en-Provence right now. Not exactly the fashion capitol of the world, but definitely a shoppers' delight. Unfortunately the only hats I've seen so far would either require me to also purchase a skateboard to have it look right, or I'd have to change my name to Pierre. "The Magic Hat" I loved so much was from Old Navy. Four dollars on the clearance rack, so you never know. I might get lucky. I have a small head though and hats aren't easy for me to find.

It's so hot and dry here, that my dried straw afro hair is right out there for us all to enjoy now. Me and anyone who happens to walk by and look in my general direction.

So the pros and cons of this moment?
Cons
I'm hatless and have bozo the clown hair.
I'm exhausted from not being able to sleep last night. The brain couldn't unplug. I got up at 5:30 for the obligatory urination and never made it back to the promiseland.
Pros
It's Saturday.
It's beautiful here.
It was time for a new look for me anyway.

Marseilles vs. San Pedro

2009-09-03T15:41:00.000-07:00

I'm on the train to Cagnes sur mer right now to visit the Renoir house and begin my impressionist tour of southern France. I spent last night in Marseilles. My friend called it the "San Pedro of France", which in a sense is true, accept for the castles, museums, incredible food, and fresh fish markets every morning.

The people in Marseilles are also the nicest people I've met in France so far. Even the night clerk at my hotel after telling me my room wasn't in fact mine....
"Room 30 sil vous plez"
"That's not your room"
"Huh? I was in there earlier. My bag is on the floor and my name is in your book."

They make you check your keys before leaving most hotels in Europe, just so us tourists don't get drunk and throw our keys in the harbor or get mugged. It's understandable. They don't use disposable key cards like so many places in the US. These places were built 300 years ago some of them, and they hand you these skeleton keys that look like they could open a dungeon gate in a Hobbit movie.

So the clerk looks on his list...
"That is your room."
He cracks this great smile and starts laughing. He wasn't even mean denying me my key. Just matter of fact. So I laugh with him. I'm starving, so I decide to ask my new friend whether or not he has any food in the kitchen of the hotel. The town shut down early and I couldn't find anything on the way back.

He says "pain?" (bread)
I'll take anything..."oui."

He goes into the kitchen and cuts me off half this fresh french roll and puts it in the toaster. When it's finished, he comes out with the 2 pieces cut open on a plate, butter and jam. Doesn't charge me anything. I go out on the patio over the water (I put a couple of pics of the view from earlier that day) and ate my bread.

Outside of "The Ant Farm", we'll call it, that I stayed on my 2nd trip to Barcelona, this is the LEAST expensive place I've stayed in Europe. Right on the water. Incredible. ("The Ant Farm" by the way literally was infested with ants. In the hotel's defense, the night guy did offer me a can of Raid when he saw the were sold out and couldn't switch my room. Unfortunately the hotel also had paper thin walls, drunk people throwing parties, and a highly active sexual clientele. I'll check the guide book more carefully next time.)

Let's just say I'm happy to be at this hotel in Marseilles tonight. And really grateful to my new friend at the desk for helping me out.

Juanito

2009-08-21T15:26:00.000-07:00

I went down to the palace tonight to have dinner. It's become a pretty regular routine for me. I work late and then get my meal "para llevar" (to go for you gringos out there) and sit down there soaking up one of my favorite sites in Europe.

It's Friday, so it was crowded and I had to wander around for a few minutes before I could find a spot to sit down. I got a good one. Front row just to the right of center. I'm enjoying my falafel salad with the fried cauliflower when this little girl sticks her head around the corner of the stone i'm leaning against. Her head pops out from the left side. Then the right. Then the left again. She has this beautiful white dress on and shiny shoes.

She asks me my name in Spanish and I'm excited to be able to not only understand her question, but offer a response. "Me llamo Rob". She tells me it's a pretty name. I'm flattered. Like the true local I've become, I toss out a couple of Spanish nuggets for her "y tú?" She says it's Juanito. I want to tell her it's a nice name too, but I can't remember the right expression, so I just smile.

She goes on to tell me she loves Madrid, asks me if I like her hair, and that the couple she is with isn't her parents. It's her aunt and uncle. She also says a couple things I don't understand and I either nod or ask her to clarify, but I'm pretty pleased with myself that we have carried on this long.

So I ask her "cuantos años?" and she says "seis". Juanito is 6 years old. She then says something else in spanish that I don't understand, so I say "yo soy de los estados unidos, y my español es muy malo". She then says, "I'm from Washington DC. I speak english too. Are we speaking English now?"

I guess we are.

Juanito is a bilingual 6 year old who lives in Washington DC. She's been here 20 days and goes home next week. Evidently she goes to spanish school so she can learn the language. I've been here 2 months, taken 6 years of spanish in middle school and started my rosetta stone course online. When the pressure is on, I can't remember how to tell her she has a pretty name.

She eventually tells me I'm handsome with my hat on, thanks me for talking to her and says goodbye. They're going to dinner now. So I finish my falafel and take the long way back to my flat.

I love my life. Another great night.

EXPRESS

2009-08-17T03:16:00.000-07:00

I went and visited this painting the other day. It's called "Express" and is by a guy named Robert Rauschenberg if you've never seen it. It's at the Thyssen museum here in Madrid. It's what I was standing in front of when I got my "big idea" and also inspired me to dive more deeply into my visual art in addition to music.

It's one of those paintings that stands out. It's the last thing you see at this museum before they send you through the exit and into the shop. Three floors of priceless paintings by almost every important name in art for the past 700 years, and THIS is what they leave you with. That's saying a lot. I forgot how impressive it is to actually stand in front of it. I bought a little postcard of the image to take with me last time as inspiration. But I was blown away when I walked back into the room.

It's been really freeing to open up the restrictions I'd put on myself as a musician for so long. I was like a caveman.... "I....AM...MUSICIAN....I.....SING...SONG...FOR....YOU", while I scratched myself, jumping up and down, passionately grunting.

My life feels more natural now. I feel more honest with myself and you. I worked a lot this week. When I go to that place, it can be difficult. It's like the world ceases to spin on its axis. Sleeping is wrestless at best and even a stroll about the neighborhood doesn't really register. I'm exhausted. I think it's time for another mini road trip. Granada. I've been told it's a "must see" for me. I'm in.

I Just Found This

2009-08-16T14:18:00.000-07:00

I'm organizing all my photos and just found this. i believe it was taken in Sun Valley, ID last year. Horrible quality taken with my crappy phone at night...but one of the greatest signs of all time!

3 Months....That's a Quarter Year!

2009-08-11T06:52:00.000-07:00

Today marks exactly 3 months since I left my friends, family and the familiar sights of Los Angeles and set out on this journey. Since then, I've shot youtube movies of various adventures, taken thousands of pictures, met countless people, traveled around and been able to continue my work.

This experience has challenged me to open my mind and let go of a lot of ideas about myself and my life that I've held onto tightly for a long time. The whole trip has been amazing and beautiful, but it's only the past week or so that I've started to experience a peace of mind and clarity I've never known.

It's incredible to me how easy it is to set up a life here in Madrid. People are so warm and welcoming. It continues to blow my mind. Spain isn't particularly ambitious as a nation at least in comparison to the blind accomplishment machine of the US and LA in particular. They take siestas every day, and close down for the month of August for vacation. My LA DNA is programmed for "GO. WORK. BE BUSY. MAKE SOMETHING HAPPEN."

I find the people here happy with a good meal, and fun conversation with friends. Sure. They all work and are trying to do interesting things just like everyone everywhere else. And I've been to great dinners in LA with people I love. In fact, I'm looking forward to more of those when I go there in September. But this city and the people in it have a warmth about them I just love.

Evidently my visa expires after 90 days, so I booked a return flight right before they deport me in about another month. My plans for the that time are loose, but include more road trips, more work on my "big idea" and more time with my friends here. Including the ones I haven't met yet.

Funny. When I think of going back to the US for awhile, I find myself wanting to go to Las Vegas....with all its' grandeur and ridiculousness that make it so fantastic to me. I don't know my plans for when I get back and I have no interest in worrying about it right now. It'll depend on my art and music life as well as how I feel. But I'm guessing a trip to Las Vegas will be on the agenda.

A Day Trip Outside Madrid - Hiking in Cercedilla

2009-08-11T06:48:00.000-07:00

Hard To Keep Up

2009-08-07T23:32:00.001-07:00

I'm on a morning stroll down La Rambla in Barcelona. I came back here to visit friends for a few nights. It's nice here. The street is packed even at this hour and will only get more crowded until about 2am. I just had a fresh banana orange juice and I'm walking down to catch a glimpse of the water before getting to some work I need to do.

The experiences and transformations I'm experiencing in Europe are coming fast and are too numerous for me to keep up with. But I'm going through a metamorphosis and it feels great.

Barcelona so far has gone exactly NOT how I thought it was going to. But lately it seems this is how things are for me. It's nothing like I think, and it's fantastic.

My journey in Europe is only partially completed and I know that. So even though my plane ticket to Los Angeles says next week on it, I'm canceling it. And I'm staying here until it feels right to leave.

I feel free. Like never before. Inside and out. And even my candy cane striped sunburn feels good under these clothes.

Rome - Part 2 (The Coliseum, Palantine Hill)

2009-08-07T10:55:00.000-07:00

Rome, Italy - Part 1 (The Vatican)

2009-07-29T12:20:00.000-07:00

Roaming the Streets of Toledo, Spain

2009-07-20T00:59:00.000-07:00

Not my best camera work, but a fun day.

The Cabby Man Can

2009-07-18T02:54:00.001-07:00

My friend Alex and I grabbed a cab last night. We were on our way to another friend, Ronnie's photography exhibit. He was one of the runners up in a contest and we were going to the event. She says "the cab will get us there in a couple minutes." We were running late and I agreed it was a good idea.

It took us a minute, but one finally pulled over for us. I can't understand a word he's saying because my Spanish experiment still hasn't grown wings like I'd hoped, but I'm trying. So I'm listening for any words I can pick out and a generel sense of what he's saying. Alex seamlessly weaves back and forth between Spanish for him, and English for me.

The driver seems like a nice guy, but after a few minutes, I see he's having trouble finding where we're going. In the endless pretzel of streets that exist in Madrid, it's easy to have that happen. It doesn't matter how long you live here. He's got this green book. It looks 30 years old. And he's looking up the street names. At one point, we know we're close, and Alex says he can let us out and we'll find it.

He looks back at us, turns off the meter, and says "no!" Then something else in spanish, and bangs on the seat next to him with his fist and smiles. The gist? I'm going to find this place for you guys if it kills me. He rolls down the window and asks about the street name. No luck. We drive around the block, working our way in and out of different bits of the neighborhood. No luck. He rolls down the window again, and this guy says it's a block over.

Another 5 or 10 minutes pass, and we finally realize we're on the street. Right out front of the gallery. The whole ride costs us 5 euros. We probably paid for half the time we were in the cab. All 3 of us were laughing most of the time.

He's a cab driver. He helps people get to where they need to go. He wasn't comfortable just letting us off and taking the fare. He wanted to get us there. He apologized for taking so much of our time. He reaches back and shakes my hand. A good firm handshake and looks me in the eye.

That was one of the greatest cab rides ever. I work like that driver in a lot of ways. I do things I don't "need" to do. But it makes a difference to me at the end of the day. I can relate to this guy a alot, even though I couldn't understand a word he said.

I Have To Be The Clever One

2009-07-15T16:29:00.001-07:00

Here's the problem with working on something that's never really been done before...it's never really been done before. There are issues to resolve and things to figure out how to do with no road map. There's usually a reason it hasn't been done. Either no one has thought of it, or they did, but couldn't figure out the same issues you're mulling over right now. You've got to be smarter. You've got to be more clever.

Here's the best part about working on something that hasn't been done before...it hasn't been done before! Pretty cool. And kind of a privilege. Today I have to be the clever one.

In The Crosshairs of Clueless

2009-07-13T08:43:00.000-07:00

I have to say, it's really weird to have nothing to do. There are some errands to run, but I tried earlier and that didn't go so well. Every store I went into looking for what I thought I needed, was closed, or didn't have it. I think the universe is telling me to do nothing. Sit still. This is a confusing existence for me.

I admit, it's nice to feel my life slowing down. I don't have a stack of phone calls to make or emails to write. I could certainly find things like that to do, but I'm not going to. I'm going to step into what's difficult for me because I know that's where my freedom ultimately will come from.

I don't know what direction my journey is going. I don't live anywhere at the moment and I'm feeling that. I feel uprooted.

What I do know is this:
Ever since I've started living like this, my emotions are deeper. Buildings look taller. Streets seem wider...and narrower. The sky is more blue. The breeze is more refreshing, and people are more interesting. This year feels better than the last. And as my understanding grows, so does my love and faith in myself.

So, today my mood is happily clueless. They should add that as an option for one of the Myspace "moods".

A Day Sightseeing in Barcelona and Cadaqués

2009-07-08T23:03:00.000-07:00

On the Train to Dali's House

2009-07-03T12:12:00.000-07:00

I'm sitting on the train from Barcelona north to Figueres. We're on the way to Salvadori Dali's house. They turned it into a museum, and evidently it's incredible. The quiet time feels good. The train ride is about 2 hours and we'll be taking a taxi from there. A lot of travel for a day trip, but today is the day. We're going for it.

The Spanish countryside is rolling by and in my headphones, the current selection is what has become my favorite European soundtrack. This cd was a gift from my friend Kevin, which has turned out to be one of those gifts that keeps on giving. Max Richter, The Blue Notebooks. It's instrumental and amazing. A couple of the tracks give me the chills every time.

It's so beautiful here. My life and viewpoints have changed so much since my first trip to Europe. And now it's like a chest that's opened and inertia has taken over. All of my dreams and desires seem further away. Not because I'm any further away. I'm not escaping. Just getting a better perspective.

The creative ideas continue. But from what I can tell so far, this trip seems to be about becoming new. Being in places that I feel comfortable and at home. Basically changing the kind of gas I'm putting in my tank. I feel present and powerful. By getting quiet and letting life come to me, I find that I'm learning new things. Some motivations no longer seem worth my time or energy.

So where does that leave me?

I guess on the train to Dali's house...feeling delicious and strangely good!

U2. yes!!!!

2009-07-01T02:18:00.001-07:00

I'm not feeling particularly articulate this morning, but I had the opportunity to catch the U2 show last night in Barcelona. Wow. What a great time. 80,000 happy people singing to every song. Louder than the band. The Spanish know how to have a good time. I have a lot to learn from them.

THE "BRO NOD"

2009-06-27T08:38:00.001-07:00

I didn't realize how much I relied on the "bro nod" to communicate. I've always been an equal opportunity kind of guy. So I'll float a nod to anyone...male or female.

Being that I don't know the language here, I've been sending out a lot. Walking down the streets tossing them out left and right. And no one has responded back. I was wondering if I had something hanging from my nose. Am I that big of an idiot here? I know it's a tourist bag, but it's not a fanny pack for God's sake. Am I not cool enough even for a courtesy nod back? You could certainly make a case for that, but I don't have this problem at home.

Maybe I'm just trying to make myself feel better, but I'm thinking it's a thing that we only do in the States. It's a custom they just don't have here. Eye contact. Yes. A smile? Maybe. The "yo" nod. Nope.

I'm exhausted and not feeling well today. Gave me some time to think and analyze this most troubling situation. Now that I've at least imagined an explanation to comfort myself, I can check it off my list and relax. Phew!

¡MADRID!

2009-06-25T02:46:00.000-07:00

Well, I'm here. Madrid. Two months of planning, packing, traveling and creating has led me to this room. In this city. In this moment. I was wondering how it would feel to come back after the incredible experience I had last time on vacation. Would it feel the same? How would it be to live and work instead of hang out in vacation mode?

I was so tired yesterday from the jetlag and everything else that's been going on, I kind of collapsed. Hard to get up this morning...but hunger prevailed and I went out for a few.

I still don't speak the language (although I'm working on that), and I have no idea where I am. Relatively speaking, I've probably seen very little of this city. But it just feels good. I don't know what it is.

Maybe it's the people. I had a drink last night with a friend of mine that lives here. She's great. We were both exhausted from the day, but it was nice to connect to someone. There is this bar she took me to that's in a park. Beautiful. Then there's Jose, who works at my hotel. He showed me pictures from his trip to Florida, the Grand Canyon, and Las Vegas he took last year. Looks like he had an amazing time. He remembers me from the last time I was here.

Maybe it's the scenery. It's hard to take a bad picture in this city. Everything is pleasing to the eye somehow. The details in the buildings. The art. The streets.

I just don't feel like this anywhere else. I'm comfortable. The idea of "Rob" is more round in these surroundings somehow. That might not make sense, but I can't really think of any other way to explain it. My friends feel far away, but the internet is helping with that. I believe in the project I've come here to work on. It's a stretch for me, but I know I can do it. And I know that no matter where all this goes, and what happens in my life, when it's all over and I look back, I'll be glad I did this.

That Finish Line Looks a Lot Like a Starting Line

2009-06-16T19:17:00.000-07:00

After a bit of confusion on the plane about our destination, the situation has stabilized. They just let us know that we will in fact be continuing on to New Haven. We just went to the gate they told us to, and got on. Never checked the sign. Didn't think about it. I'm usually anal about that kind of thing, but today it didn't occur to me.

After we got in the air, they mentioned Baltimore and Jack and I sort of looked at each other....hmmm.....that wasn't on the itineray.....?? This could be fun.

I haven't been to New York in years. We'll be going into the city on Thursday for a couple days of meetings. Weather permitting, we may be at the Mets game Friday. I'm excited. I love NY. Things are going really well. The new cd (my first solo album), will finally be available at robgrad.com starting Tuesday.

We had a pre-cd release party in Ft. Myers on Saturday night. It really couldn't have gone much better. A great turnout of really cool people. I played a few songs. The video for "No Apologies" looked great on the big screen. It's amazing how many people there have opened up to me over the past year or so and made me feel so at home.

All that being said.....I'm fried. Really fried. In fact, today I started to realize how low my tank is. I'm going to get a few days vacation coming up and I'm looking forward to it. Gotta recharge the batteries a little.

RECESS!!!

2009-06-01T16:12:00.000-07:00

Ahhhh....this is the Florida I'd like to see more of. I got a couple hour window and the opportunity to take a drive. I wound up here. Bowman's beach on Sanibel Island. 2 parts Hawaii, 1 part Cape Cod, with a splash of the Carribean.

I'm the only jackass out here in pants. In my own defense, I didn't know I was coming here. Earth school...lesson number 1,000,000,343,937....get in car. Drive. Turn when inspired to do so. See where you wind up. Today...Sanibel Island.

It feels like recess without the burnt burritos and glazed donuts. Just fresh air, beautiful water and a series of deep breaths. I only have a few minutes before I need to be back. It's not enough time. It's never enough time.

I managed to take this picture. Couldn't see because of the sun on my screen. My finger is nice, isn't it?

THE DRIVE HOME FROM BIG SUR

2009-05-24T19:16:00.002-07:00

I actually shot this video a couple weeks ago on my way home from vacation. Finally had the chance to edit it together.

ROSIE

2009-05-21T06:43:00.001-07:00

Yesterday was quite the day. It ranged from attending a pre-school production of the "3 Little Pigs Opera" to our new friend Rosie at the laundromat (back to her in a minute), to planning a trip to New York, to setting a date for a pre-album release party here in Florida. The days are so full right now that when I sit to write these blogs, I get immediately overwhelmed with how much I want to talk about.

As our plans for releasing this album continue, I'm getting progressively more excited. Not only are our ideas themselves expanding, so is the circle of people involved. It's amazing how much the right people can bring to something. This is going to be a lot more than a cd release, and there's a lot to do, but it's all beginning to take shape.

Back to Rosie.....I still had clothes dirty from my trip to Big Sur. It was time. We all know when that time is. Sometimes we wait just a little longer, until we're wearing pants with no underwear because it's all dirty, flip flops instead of shoes even if it's 40º outside because we're out of socks, and we've got that "I Dream of Jeanie" shirt on from high school that doesn't really fit anymore with a couple of old coffee stains we couldn't get out because that's all that's left in the dresser.

That was me yesterday. And Jack. So we went. Picked a laudromat at random that was close by. We walk in, and there's a girl who works there. She seems nice. Asks if we need help. She's right there when the coins don't work and uses a key to start our wash. She's smiling. Having a good time. She's sad to hear that Guiding Light is going off the air. She's worked in this laundromat for years. She walks around like she owns the place (maybe she does. I didn't ask). She lights up the place. Nice to talk to, or she leaves you alone if that's what you want. It was hands down the most pleasant laundromat experience of my life. Not sure exactly why I'm talking about it. I think what struck me was how one person's energy and approach to life can transform a place like a laundromat and an experience as mundane as doing my laundry.

She was reluctant at first when I asked for this picture. But I told her that I was visiting town and wanted to remember her because she was so great.

I do my best to be like Rosie wherever I go. I loved being around someone who was able to do it in a place like that so naturally.

Thanks Rosie!

MICRO FORCE - EPISODE 1 - The Pursuit of the Perfect Shave

2009-05-15T06:32:00.000-07:00

I don't watch much TV. I just don't have the time. Between work, the phone, email and the endless list of things to do, I tend to wind up tired at night before I get to it. When I do, it's usually some random cocktail of late night shows that can include any one or all of Conan O'Brien, David Letterman, Craig Ferguson, Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert.

Before I left LA, I did get into a stretch where I was watching for at least a few minutes before I went to sleep. Usually because I was so tired from packing and moving that my body was tired before my mind.

In between all the Girls Gone Wild and Extenze commercials, there was one for the Micrco Force razor. I must have seen that commercial 20 times in a 2 week period. I never buy things like that...."CALL NOW!"....sitting on my bed, credit card and phone in hand. But it stuck with me. Every time I saw it, I was reminded that I need a new razor. And something that small would be good for all the traveling I'm doing right now.

I resisted. I told myself that those commercials are usually selling crap. It's a scam. It's a waste of my money....even with the really cool looking bonus grooming kit.

Today I'm sitting here, NOT watching TV and it occurs to me that I still want that razor. So I hop on the internet, go to the website (of course I remember the name), and check it out. After a minute of looking to make sure it's the right one, I decide to go for it. I'm excited.

I'm then led through a succession of screens all suggesting various improvements to my purchase, including the "forever sharp" blades with the fancy carrying case, the "forever sharp" blades without the fancy case, the ear and nose clippers, priority shipping, etc. I survive the upsell.

I laugh. The whole process is very entertaining. And now I'm filled with anticipation. Will it be total crap? Entirely possible. It's like a little show. I've paid this amount for movies and cds that provided less entertainment than this process has. So I'm going to look at it as that. Entertainment. If it can shave my face without leaving a coat of hair or shredding my cheeks, I'll consider it a bonus.

UH....

2009-05-10T23:06:00.000-07:00

Today was one of those magical days. I had a game changing meeting this morning about an idea I have. This whole week has been incredible though. It felt like every step of the way was just laid out and all I had to do was keep up...which was actually hard to do at some points. My life has gone from 40mph to 80mph in a few short days. And we're picking up speed.

My car is safely tucked away. My apartment has been given back to those who rented it to me. I'm sitting here staring at the couple of items that will accompany me for the next few months. I feel good. Life feels natural. And as much as I'll miss a lot of friends and family here, I know it's time to go.

Florida tomorrow.

GOOD MORNING

2009-05-06T15:49:00.000-07:00

I'm staying at my friend's place for a few days in Venice. He's been living with his girlfriend and isn't using it much. One simple room. A bathroom. No kitchen. And I love it! I forgot how much I liked living in the heart of Venice this close to the water. Walking this stretch of beach in the morning.

I've got this great sense lately of being totally conscious of the people around me. Souls walking around, doing their own thing. And I'm just one of them. Connecting, disconnecting...it's a little hard to explain but really comforting somehow.

Another day today of ironing out logistics, tying up loose ends, and seeing friends. But right now all that seems to matter is this beautiful morning, those waves, this coffee, and some hunger pangs that need tending to.

OPERATION "CHANGE EVERYTHING" - Day 1

2009-05-01T23:41:00.000-07:00

Wow. What a day. All that moving crazy stuff. Then a 5 1/2 hour drive. Now I'm in Big Sur and have no real home. Just me. All my belongings are in storage except for a couple bags, and 1 acoustic guitar that will accompany me in my coming travels.

6 days of moving. Movers. Taking things to friends. Donating to charity. What's the thing that got lost in the transition? BOTH of my camera batteries. Yes, I have 2. Because I'm as ridiculous as I am meticulous. It's true, they're almost identical, but I like having them both. One is a little easier to carry, and one is better to grow into.

So now I'm in Big Sur and have limited camera power juice. I wonder what else got lost...I can't seem to find my headphones either.

A calmness kind of came over me sometime after Santa Barbara on the way up. I don't know. Feels good though. My body hurts in places I didn't know I had places. And I'm free. Had this crazy dream about a silvery beautiful alien. All the patio furniture was spinning. That's a bit how it feels right now. Taking my life out of the inertia that was propelling me forward and placing myself on a new track. Although I suppose that's not entirely true. This has been coming for awhile. Nice to finally have the time to be now and not some unwieldy, untouchable future I can't grasp.

My album is finished, and we'll have them in hand in a few weeks. I saw the artwork proof today and it looks great. I'm excited. A lot of adventures coming up. Florida for a bit first to set things up, and then back to europe.

More and more synchronicities around all of this every day. I have to say, my life feels pretty remarkable right now.

EMBRACE YOUR OUTER GENIUS

2009-04-18T18:52:00.000-07:00

If you've ever done anything creative, or want to, do yourself a favor and watch this. http://www.karmatube.org/videos.php?id=1472

AMAZING TIMES...

2009-04-16T18:52:00.000-07:00

Woke up this morning and realized I'm only here for 2 more weeks and then my life takes on a new chapter. I'll be living out of a bag for awhile. The artwork for the "No Apologies" cd is coming out great. I made everything by hand and some of the pieces look like they could hang in galleries to me. But I'm biased. I'm such a perfectionist, that by the time I finish anything, I tend to like my work. Until I go onto the next thing.

Then the new travels begin. I've decided to leap both feet into the unknown and I'm excited about it. I've changed everything else in my life, why not my living situation too? First Florida, then back to Europe.

Something shifted for me this week. Not sure what. It feels good and happened overnight. I guess sometimes you do the work, thinking you're going nowhere, and then it clicks and we're forever changed. Amazing times....

A STEP AWAY FROM THE SLEEPWALK

2009-04-02T18:51:00.000-07:00

Airports. I'm so fascinated by them, that I've actually become fascinated with my fascination. Why are they so interesting to me? People coming and going. Sure. I love to travel. Yes. Probably more than most people. So what?

New sights.

New scenery.

New thoughts.

New people.

But I don't know that it's just that. I'm reading this Eckhart Tolle book where he's talking about how much more conscious we tend to be when we're traveling or on vacation. The newness of everything keeps us present in a way that we turn off when things are familiar. Makes total sense to me.

The book is a bit like hacking through the Amazon jungle with a machete. Not because it's a difficult read, but it's this succession of bite sized bits of good information all lined up for what seems like miles.

But maybe that's it. Airports. Full of people outside their daily routines. Outside the safety and comfort zones, and all the joy, awkwardness and dis-ease that comes with that. It's beautiful to me. People at their best. And worst. Either way, somehow distanced from the sleepwalk.

And at the airport, I get to be right there with them.

On a completely different note, we finally got the final master of my cd. It came out great. The hard copy and downloadable versions should both be available in May. Exciting times....

SILENCE

2009-03-21T18:51:00.000-07:00

So my doctor put me on 5 days' silence. Evidently I have an infection in my throat. He gave me some antibiotics, a pad and pen, and said "see you Tuesday". Nice. Today is day 2 of my oath of abstinence from the spoken word.

Yesterday I did manage to mutter a few though...."1 lb of espresso forte please. Ground for a cone".....then a "yes" when asked if I wanted a complimentary cup of the brew for the day, which was actually more of a gesture than an actual word. And a quick "thank you" as I walked out. I had no coffee left in the morning and didn't want to use the pad for fresh beans. Just seemed like too much of a pain in the ass for such a quick exchange.

What's interesting to me is how quiet it seems here. Somehow the idea that I can't speak makes even my alone time seem more silent. Outside of the 10 minute coffee run, I didn't leave my place yesterday. Maybe I spend more time on the phone than I thought. It's amazing what bubbles up sitting by myself without it. Just me, my thoughts and this space.

There's the productivity. The creativity. Without distractions, I was able to focus and work on 2 album cover ideas. I'm going to make a few and pick the one I like the best. Too much pressure for perfection if I only do one. I also came up with a couple ideas for another project I'm working on. More about that later.

There's the "me" time. I watched a movie. Finished one of the 6 books on my nightstand I'm in the middle of, and started a new one that just came in the mail....

And then there's the stuff. All that I distract myself from addressing on a daily basis. The things I don't want to see, that I'm not particularly proud of. Those nuggets in my psyche that cause me fear and stress but live under the radar. I was greeted by a couple of those last night. Somehow the process never ends. But I know from experience now that I've got to look at that crap and learn what needs to be learned. There is always a deeper freedom on the other side.

I have a sense that today will most likely bring more of the same. Some people say there are no accidents. I used to implicitly believe that. And in the end, I suppose I still do. But I see it from a different angle now. Some choices we make in our own best interest, and some we don't. But they are both our choices. No one else's. I believe the conscious universe helps us learn from either.

MILESTONES AND TURNER CLASSICS

2009-02-06T16:38:00.000-08:00

This week is a milestone for me. I finished the actual recording part of my album. 2 years of work just about finished. A couple of minor mix tweaks, mastering and some visual elements to suss out and that's it. Guess I'm a little nostalgic today looking back.

I had a close friend pass way in his sleep a few weeks ago. As much as I try to live my life without regrets, and I like to think of myself as immune to certain cliches, death does have a way of making us look at life. The first thing I wanted to do when I got over the shock was get on a plane and go back to Europe. That surprised me. I would've expected my reaction to call someone I love or something like that. But there's too much I haven't seen. I've been really focused since then.

In singing my final vocal last weekend, I was amazed at how easy it went. The incredible people I have to work with now. How easily I was able to get a performance compared to the studio nightmares I was having when I began this. Singing the Superfine stuff was easier in a way. These songs are much more expressive. I've worked hard to learn about creating the energy that comes so easily to me live in a studio environment.

These songs have taught me a lot. This process has taught me a lot. My whole life is different now from when I started. I'm different. Everything I had to learn in order to make this thing.

I found myself up at 2am a few nights ago watching Turner Movie Classics. One of the few channels that filters into my building for free. They replayed an interview with Katharine Hepburn on the Dick Cavitt show from the 70's. I suppose I'm late on this train, but she was amazing. Somehow in America, and maybe it's like this all over, but we get this idea that these iconic people magically just wind up that way. But the more I pay attention and the more I listen to the things they actually say, the more I realize why. They can say the smallest thing, but if I'm listening, it's a clue. We look up to them for a reason. And maybe that's why we try to pull them down too.

I'm grateful to be learning from the people that have gone before me and I'm celebrating today. I've accomplished something I couldn't have conceived of 3 years ago.

JESUS BROKE MY CAMERA

2008-12-20T16:45:00.000-08:00

Jesus broke my camera! I took 3 pictures of this church and my it hasn't been able to focus since. Maybe one was enough, but I wanted to get it just right. I was marveling at whoever designed this entryway. They obviously knew that at a certain time of year, at a certain time of day, the sun would be perfectly behind Jesus' head. Artists are everywhere. Always.

That's pretty much how my whole vacation went. Wandering the streets of Europe. There's something about traveling by myself that is exciting and always lands me right in the flow of things. Everything works out. I find the places I need to see. Even mistakes or mishaps wind up being a blessing of some kind after the fact. In the past, I would come home from trips and all of that vision would disappear into my daily life of drudgery and struggle. This time I decided not to let that happen. So I'm really making an effort to see how maybe that same energy can be applied to my Los Angeles life. It's made a huge difference.

That stagnant plateau I had found myself on has dissolved under my feet and my life is moving again. I finally got introduced to a mixer that is getting the sound I've been hearing in my head. More on him later, but I'm excited. The album is about finished. I have a new perspective. I didn't listen to any of my stuff for 3 weeks while I was gone. I got home, gave a listen and it sounds good. Really good. I also came home with new ideas for some other creative endeavors that will tie into this album. I've started on those too.

Of all the places I saw on my trip, I'd say Paris and Madrid were my favorites. The european way of life is comfortable to me in a way that I've never experienced in America even though I'm from here...It was weird to feel more at home in a place I'd never seen, than the place I've spent my whole life in...but incredible. I've always felt like an outsider here. But not there.

Madrid isn't a place to visit. It's a place to bask in. And I'll be returning there as soon as that logistical door opens. I was fortunate to be introduced to someone there who was able to give me an amazing introduction to the city. I'm looking forward to going back and reconnecting. I have some work to finish here first. Then I'll put my crap in storage, pack a bag and go. And I guess I'll have to buy a new camera on the way :)

My days are full right now, and I feel good. I'm creating things I didn't think I could ever create. Doors are opening that I thought might never open. I think the most amazing thing is that I'm really seeing how consciously changing my mind, is physically changing the life around me.

Happy Xmasholidayseasonthingywhateveryoudo-or-dont-do. I hope 2009 is an incredible year for you! It's really a new beginning for the whole planet, and I'm pretty damn excited about it.

2008-10-08T16:48:00.000-07:00

va·ca·tion [vey-key-shuhn, vuh-] –noun
1. a period of suspension of work, study, or other activity, usually used for rest, recreation, or travel; recess or holiday: Schoolchildren are on vacation now.
2. a part of the year, regularly set aside, when normal activities of law courts, legislatures, etc., are suspended.
3. freedom or release from duty, business, or activity.
4. an act or instance of vacating.
–verb (used without object)
5. to take or have a vacation: to vacation in the Caribbean.

What a concept. When I get quiet it usually means I'm working day and night. And that certainly is a valid description of my last couple of months. The good news is my album, video and tv show are all coming out great. New doors are opening. Down side....I'm fried. Time for a break. Nonstop work with no balance makes Robbie a dull boy....so I'm off on adventure for the next few weeks to fill the well. I'm sure I'll have some good stories to share when I return. HAPPY OCTOBER!

2008-07-20T16:49:00.000-07:00

So I'm back on an airplane, eating animal crackers I bought at the airport. This is fast becoming a new routine. When did they start selling them at Hudson News? I LOVE animal crackers. Just feeling that soft white string of a handle between my fingers warms me up inside. The only thing that's really changed, is nowadays there are like 40 different animals in there. Half of them are unrecognizable. You have to be an anthropologist to figure them out. The first 3 I pulled today seemed to be an ox of some kind with a serious rib problem. What could have happened? Did he get into scuffle at the Nabisco plant with the koala I just swallowed? There used to be just lions, tigers, gorillas, bears and rhinoceros. The basics. Now we've got 3 different monkeys, a sheep and an ox.

Everything changes. That's a cliched simple truth of life. And thank God it does. But what is it about a red box with circus animals on it, a waxy protective pouch inside and a string handle that makes me feel like everything is in its right place and going to be ok? That's a powerful cookie. Or a good childhood memory. There's just not enough of them. Either one.

How did these crackers get in the airport? I wish I was in that marketing meeting....they're talking about what junk foods to put in these stores and someone mentions the Barnum cookies. They all look at each other and go, "BRILLIANT!!!" It's definitely new. I would remember this. I fly a lot and haven't seen them until recently.

The orange juice cart just came by. It's like preschool in the sky. I've got my OJ and cookies. Nap time to follow at 0900. Fortunately for me, noticeably absent from today's class is the crippling fear and lack of social skills that plagued my first preschool experience. Being an adult has its perks.

2008-07-16T16:50:00.000-07:00

They did a pretty cool cover story about some of the stuff we've been doing in Florida for the Gulf Coast Times...
http://www.gulfcoasttimes.net/

2008-07-04T16:50:00.000-07:00

The 4th of July. An American classic. I like holidays. I was trained to like holidays. I didn't have to go to school. I got the day off. My friends all wanted to hang out. Holidays bum some people out. I think they're great. I don't like to get overly upset about the raping of each of their meaning. It's true. The meaning is pretty much gone. It's about fireworks and bbq's for most people now. But if it's just an excuse for people to relax and be together, I think there's still something good about that.

I took the day off, but couldn't bring myself to accept any of the invitations to the bbq's, etc. Lovely invites from beautiful minds, but I just didn't have it in me. Guess I'm tired from the album mixing and felt like keeping the day to myself. Sometimes that's the best thing we can do. I took a holiday from the holiday. Wound up going to see Hancock. I love movies alone. Today I thought I'd be the only one in there by myself, but I was wrong. I walked in 5 minutes before the movie started...it's the 4th, mind you....huge movie...and there's like 25 people in there, half sitting alone. I suddenly realized I wasn't alone at all. I had found my people. My brethren for the day! I love my life.

I'm also one of the fortunate souls to be living in a place where they light the city fireworks from our backyard. They literally pull the barge up in the water next to my building and light'em off. People come from all over. We get rained on by the ashes and our necks get sore from looking straight up. I'm still trying to get ash out of my left eye.

I usually like to name each of the fireworks as they're being shot off. "The Dangling Sperm", "Poppies From Mars", or "Shannonball".....but being that I was unaccompanied, and had no obligation to have a conversation, or even share my oohs and aaahhs, I decided to enhance the experience with my favorite Michael Nyman selections from the Gattaca soundtrack. If you ever find yourself with the opportunity to listen to that album during a fireworks show, I highly recommend it. And if you can time it to be listening to "The Arrival" during the finale, it just might bring a tear to your eye.

And if you live in London and think this holiday is ridiculous, I agree. It's totally ridiculous. I would suggest lighting some fireworks for no particular reason, however, and listen to that album. It'll still be spectacular. Guaranteed. Hope you had a great one.

Happy Holidays!

2008-06-16T22:37:00.000-07:00

I have a problem. Every time I go to Home Depot I wind up buying some weird crap for an art project. It's like I think it's Michael's Toys and Hobby shop in there. Most of the ideas don't work. Half the time I don't even end up finishing or doing it at all. So I wind up with cabinets full of copper piping I never made that frame out of, or spray paint I was going to put that cool design on my nightstand with. Tonight I went in for 2 light bulbs and a fuse. Came out with a bag full of plastic signs. "For Rent", "Sorry We're Closed", "Exit", etc. The idea? A collage. I know. Sounds lame...and I'm sure it will be. I don't even know what it means, but I think it's going in my bathroom. I was in a crap mood. What can I say? I guess if tonight freedom looks like 20 signs and some fishing wire, I'm in.

Album note....I was in Florida last week filming part of the live DVD that will accompany the "No Apologies" cd and Jack's new tv show. Here's a pic from the set. I think it's gonna be great. HD is amazing!

2008-06-04T22:24:00.000-07:00

I'm on a plane right now headed back to Fort Myers. I'm going to be interviewed on the pilot of Jack's new TV show this weekend. I'm excited. It should be fun. I'll tell you more about it as I get a better idea of what it's going to be like. I think the interview and performance will be on the companion DVD to the upcoming "No Apologies" cd.

I knew I had to get up early this morning, so last night I went for a mellow dinner at a local deli in Venice. I miss Venice. I wandered around for a few minutes on the way back to my car. It's changed a lot since I moved there years ago, but it's still an interesting place. I live a mile or so south of Venice now. Amazing how different neighborhoods can be so close to each other. It's quiet and beautiful where I live, but the slice of humanity that haunts it's corners aren't near as interesting to me. I remember walking these streets depressed years ago when I was going through a hard time. "She" left and the rest of my world had come unraveled simultaneously. It was touch and go for awhile, but It eventually turned out to be a huge positive turning point in my life. Sometimes it's easier to let go when you have nothing to lose.

Today, my dreams are alive and in tact. Resurrected from the dead. Yet forever altered somehow. I'm not propelled by the same wants and needs and I have a sense that I'm doing what I was born to do. It feels good......grounded, real, and really good.

This flight is great. All my senses are on high alert. Surrounded by seniors and families all headed to Florida so we can sweat together in the heat and humidity. Kind of makes me feel closer to everyone somehow. The 2 year old in the next row is dressed like he's retired and waiting for his social security check so he can buy a new putter for his golf bag. I can't bring myself to read or listen to music. It's far too fascinating to simply look around and listen.

The guy in front of me just gave one of his kids a chocolate milk chug. Like, yo...milk chug....that's funny to me. Even chocolate milk is now made to be exciting and "edgy". Do we really want to feel cool that bad? So many brands and companies these days. New packaging, more marketing.....same chocolate milk. But maybe this is all to be embraced. These families with 12 screaming babies are all going to need jobs. And in a way, it works. I like the milk chug bottle. I want some. Maybe it'll make my day better. It's easy to be nostalgic about how things were...."simpler back then". But it's always been that way. It was always more simple before. We have billions of more people on this planet now. And was my childhood really that good? I was miserable and terrified most of the time. So for today, I'm gonna wrap my skinny arms around the chaos and enjoy some fancy milk.

2008-05-25T22:26:00.000-07:00

Back in LA and working away....a video update on what we've been up to.

2008-05-16T08:35:00.000-07:00

I killed a snake last week. Didn't want to, but due to some of the markings it was possibly poisonous and there were kids and a dog around, etc. Felt like I had to do my duty as MAN. The Protector. Not really a role I've found myself in often in this life. Left me with a strange sensation afterward. It's interesting how much I limit my perception of myself only to be surprised later when circumstances demand a new response or behavior.

We promptly went to the Neiman Marcus outlet afterward as was the original plan for the day so I could buy some new jeans. I felt like Chazz the Barbarian....or Conan the Metrosexual.

I'm really enjoying my time back in Los Angeles. LA gets a bad rap sometimes. It can be pretty great here.

2008-05-01T21:20:00.000-07:00

We shot more footage for the No Apologies video in Sarasota the other day. It was great. Jack wore a sombrero and washed dishes in one part. Tomorrow we're shooting the final scene. I don't want to give it away, but it's gonna be classic. I feel like we've been shooting it for so long, it's gonna be weird to have it finished. Pretty ambitious concept, but hopefully it'll be worth it.

I also spent one day at ft. myers beach just hanging out people watching. What a trip. I love watching people on vacation. Sort of at their best, having a good time. We should all take more vacations....and drink lots of caramel malts! There was one point I was looking out at the water and it was like a traffic jam. This is a strange place.

2008-04-24T07:45:00.000-07:00

So I've decided to start this little blog. What to write? What does one write as a first entry? So much pressure. It's like going to a New Years Eve party. Somehow whenever I go to one of those I feel this incessant need to do something memorable. And usually it winds up being exactly NOT that. What the hell did I do last New Years? I can't even remember. And I'm not a drinker which means I was stone cold sober. Must have been great, right?

I've been in bed most of the past week or so. Being sick away from home isn't exactly my favorite thing, but it's been alright. It gave me some alone time. I did roll out of bed to film in a factory last Friday for part of the "No Apologies" video. I coughed up some nice phlegm in between takes. Two more days of shooting and we should be in editing mode. It's coming out great. I'm excited to get it done. And I finished the lyrics for a song called "Better Off In The End" which I think will be the last song on the cd. The opening verse goes:

When I look back, the day I die
I don't want to swim in regrets
Abandonded dreams and blaming scenes
Stuck wishing I could forget

I had this picture in my mind of how sad that would be to be sitting on a porch when that time comes, like it will for all of us, looking back on my life, wanting to forget it. And the way to avoid that situation is by changing the choices I'm making now.

Florida is an interesting place. I did find this beautiful spot near where I'm staying nestled amongst the complex web of strip malls that makes up Ft. Myers. Looks like I'll be here another 2 weeks or so on this round. I tend to be a bit of a wanderer and staying in one place too long makes me antsy. It'll feel good to have some new scenery.