I haven’t posted in awhile. I just haven’t had a whole lot to say.
A lot has happened, but nothing has changed. Yet somehow everything is different.
The right people keep saying the right things to me. I love it when I get into this kind of zone. I’m open. It can be hard to route water into a new direction when it’s eroded itself a nice, deep, comfortable trench. Rocks only pick up speed rolling downhill. Math tells us it takes an active force to change the course of any mass. Since no outside force in my life has come in to make a change, I decided I need to be that force.
I have a good life by most units of measurement, but stress took its toll on me physically and emotionally. I was doing the “right things” in order to have a better tomorrow, “sucking it up” until this temporary situation passed. Basically, throwing away today. The thing about tomorrow is, it never really comes. I learned this from my travels. But evidently I refiled it in my brain. I forgot.
My friend Michael said to me the other day, “do you really even know what you want? What if everything you wanted to happen when you were younger, actually did? Who would you be today?”
He had a good point. Do I really know what I want?
I thought I knew, but I wasn’t happy back then. Or fulfilled. One tiny avenue of creativity opened for me and I hoped that I would have enough “success” someday to branch out. But would that perhaps have made it worse? What if I actually made money and millions of people viewed me a certain way? Would the prison have been even more difficult to break out of? Probably.
I never would’ve been fulfilled creatively in my old bands. There was a whole other side to me I wasn’t exploring, didn’t even consider exploring, and didn’t believe in. Just a dull burn somewhere in my gut waiting for its day.
It’s easy to look back and say “what if?” But what if this really is the better path and I lucked out? I remember wanting more spotlight. It was never enough. When the interview was over, I felt like I had just started. Sure, partly because I was young and just wanted the attention. But it was also deeper. I wasn’t getting “it” out. I had more to say and more to give.
I feel differently today. All avenues are open and I’m grateful to be where I’m at. And I’m aware now that I’ve barely taken two steps down the path I’m now on. I’m reevaluating everything. What are the parts of me I’m afraid to show you? To let you hear? Where am I afraid to fail? That’s where I want to go.