I GOT SICK. THANK GOD.

I got sick this week. Normally when I feel it coming on, I get bummed out. It puts a wrinkle in my plans. I get behind in work. This time however, it turned out to be a gift. It forced me to take a nap. I took some time off work. I watched a couple of art movies i’ve been wanting to see which were both totally inspiring, and I learned some things. I started recording a song I’ve been putting off because i was too busy (I can record in my pajamas at my desk. Actually pretty relaxing). 

We even watched “I Am” last night. It’s a documentary by Tom Shadyac (director, Ace Ventura and a ton of other huge comedies) who had a life changing fall and rethought his life. The movie was much more scientific in nature than I expected. I thought it would be a touchy feely thing about how our priorities are all screwed up. And how love will conquer all. In the end, it sort of was about all that. But from a scientific perspective. How we are hard wired not for wars, greed, competition and loneliness, but for community. He basically says that our “me first” society goes against nature and will ultimately be our civilization’s demise if we don’t change it. They point to all kinds of examples in nature. it was fascinating. 

When it was over and we popped on some regular tv, It was hard to watch. The headspace that he talked about in the movie is visible on almost every channel. The news, stupid shows and the onslaught of promotion which usually only gives me mild nausea became unwatchable. 

Now that my cold is in its final stages, the trick is to stay in this head space. To not allow myself to get sucked back down by all my obligations and responsibilities. They are piled up, there is no doubt. The thing is, I don’t really need to think about it. It’s all there. i know it’s there. i know what is on the list. I don’t have to constantly look at it and think about it. My priorities have landed back on the things that matter most to me, which is a place i struggled to get to on my own. I am finally in a flow, chipping away at all my projects. 

So thank God for those tiny little microbes i picked up from someone at a party or the market. If you’re feeling overwhelmed like I was, at the next party you go to, i highly recommend spending some quality time with a runny nosed kid. 

GROUNDHOG DAY. Sayonara 2011!

I couldn’t sleep last night. I had too much on my mind. I flipped through the guide channel to find something mindless to watch, noticing that most of my favorite late night shows were still on holiday. I happened to see “Groundhog Day” in the listings. I love that movie, and haven’t watched it for a long time so I figured I’d put it on for a few minutes.

The brilliance of this movie still blows me away. For some cosmic reason Bill Murray wakes up in the same day every day. Most of us have felt this way at some point. Days can sometimes look frighteningly similar. It’s a clever concept, but it’s the emotional arc he travels through in this movie that is genius and real to me.

He wants the girl. He tries to manipulate her. He learns everything about her to please her and win her over. He does all the “right” things. It almost works but he blows it. He’s not genuine and she winds up seeing through the act.

He then realizes he can’t “make it happen” and there is no way out. He loses it. He stops caring all together because it’s useless. He even tries to kill himself. Many times. Still doesn’t work. He finally surrenders to his situation and gets honest with himself and everyone. He becomes more humble through the tragedy of his experiences. You think this is the end, but it’s not. He has a nice day with her, but it still doesn’t set him free.

With all other options exhausted, he decides to make the most of it. He takes piano lessons. Learns to sculpt ice. He tries to make everybody’s day better. She’s intrigued and finally falls for him. A new him. And he’s free. It’s a new day.

I’ve gone through all of this in my life at various times in various ways. I want what I want. Whether it’s the girl, the money, the fame, whatever. Things don’t go my way. I get frustrated. I try to stick it out, but still nothing happens. I then give up and stop caring because it all seems useless.

A mentor of mine once said that when we make a decision to change something in our lives, the universe tests our resolve. I don’t know if it’s true, but it seems like it sometimes. And if it is true, then my resolve was tested this year.

I won’t miss 2011. I was a tough year. It’s hard to keep my sights set on the things I want when I’m exhausted at the end of the day. 2012 will be interesting. I’m determined to make changes. I’m proud of some of the things I’ve done, but I know my life isn’t being lived exactly right. And I need to change that. I tried to do the “right” things. Didn’t work. I gave up. That didn’t work either. It’s time now for me to make the most of it.

I wish you a “most of it” 2012 J