Some days just look better than others. The specifics are irrelevant. Sunshine, clouds, doesn’t really matter. I’ve felt like a million bucks on a crappy gray day only to wake up the next morning to sunshine and want to crawl into a hole.
It’s all in my mind. I’ve got that part. The problem is, how to manage the void in between the 2 perspectives.
Some people say, “find something to be grateful for, like just being alive.” Sounds nice, but that doesn’t always work for me. On a bad day, I don’t necessarily consider being human such an honor. Just because I might have it a little better than someone else, doesn’t mean the human condition is all that great. What about their dinner? We live in a place where the atrocious is not only possible, but a daily occurence. Our little sick bodies decaying, needing food and shelter, posturing for a better view for the ride down.
But then there are those moments. You know…those transcendental moments when she laughs just right. Or when the sun hits the flowers on the bookcase from just the perfect angle. Moments that are sometimes experienced and sometimes just a memory hidden behind a veil of AAARRRRGGHHHH!!!!! But even then I still know they exist. I’ve had too many of them to forget.
Today is not my best day. I’ve annoyed myself twice this week and haven’t recovered yet. Once totally self-inflicted, the second time, partially self-inflicted. I’m usually am at least part of the problem when I feel like this. Today is no exception.
It’s not that someone used my idea for something, it’s that they did it better. Then I said “no” when I should’ve said “yes” because I didn’t feel I had the money. I instantly regretted it, because I SWORE I wouldn’t do that again.
Self deception is cunning and hides everywhere. And it thinks fast.
Conclusion? I need to step up my game. Be more vigilant.
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