I GOT SICK. THANK GOD.

I got sick this week. Normally when I feel it coming on, I get bummed out. It puts a wrinkle in my plans. I get behind in work. This time however, it turned out to be a gift. It forced me to take a nap. I took some time off work. I watched a couple of art movies i’ve been wanting to see which were both totally inspiring, and I learned some things. I started recording a song I’ve been putting off because i was too busy (I can record in my pajamas at my desk. Actually pretty relaxing). 

We even watched “I Am” last night. It’s a documentary by Tom Shadyac (director, Ace Ventura and a ton of other huge comedies) who had a life changing fall and rethought his life. The movie was much more scientific in nature than I expected. I thought it would be a touchy feely thing about how our priorities are all screwed up. And how love will conquer all. In the end, it sort of was about all that. But from a scientific perspective. How we are hard wired not for wars, greed, competition and loneliness, but for community. He basically says that our “me first” society goes against nature and will ultimately be our civilization’s demise if we don’t change it. They point to all kinds of examples in nature. it was fascinating. 

When it was over and we popped on some regular tv, It was hard to watch. The headspace that he talked about in the movie is visible on almost every channel. The news, stupid shows and the onslaught of promotion which usually only gives me mild nausea became unwatchable. 

Now that my cold is in its final stages, the trick is to stay in this head space. To not allow myself to get sucked back down by all my obligations and responsibilities. They are piled up, there is no doubt. The thing is, I don’t really need to think about it. It’s all there. i know it’s there. i know what is on the list. I don’t have to constantly look at it and think about it. My priorities have landed back on the things that matter most to me, which is a place i struggled to get to on my own. I am finally in a flow, chipping away at all my projects. 

So thank God for those tiny little microbes i picked up from someone at a party or the market. If you’re feeling overwhelmed like I was, at the next party you go to, i highly recommend spending some quality time with a runny nosed kid. 

GROUNDHOG DAY. Sayonara 2011!

I couldn’t sleep last night. I had too much on my mind. I flipped through the guide channel to find something mindless to watch, noticing that most of my favorite late night shows were still on holiday. I happened to see “Groundhog Day” in the listings. I love that movie, and haven’t watched it for a long time so I figured I’d put it on for a few minutes.

The brilliance of this movie still blows me away. For some cosmic reason Bill Murray wakes up in the same day every day. Most of us have felt this way at some point. Days can sometimes look frighteningly similar. It’s a clever concept, but it’s the emotional arc he travels through in this movie that is genius and real to me.

He wants the girl. He tries to manipulate her. He learns everything about her to please her and win her over. He does all the “right” things. It almost works but he blows it. He’s not genuine and she winds up seeing through the act.

He then realizes he can’t “make it happen” and there is no way out. He loses it. He stops caring all together because it’s useless. He even tries to kill himself. Many times. Still doesn’t work. He finally surrenders to his situation and gets honest with himself and everyone. He becomes more humble through the tragedy of his experiences. You think this is the end, but it’s not. He has a nice day with her, but it still doesn’t set him free.

With all other options exhausted, he decides to make the most of it. He takes piano lessons. Learns to sculpt ice. He tries to make everybody’s day better. She’s intrigued and finally falls for him. A new him. And he’s free. It’s a new day.

I’ve gone through all of this in my life at various times in various ways. I want what I want. Whether it’s the girl, the money, the fame, whatever. Things don’t go my way. I get frustrated. I try to stick it out, but still nothing happens. I then give up and stop caring because it all seems useless.

A mentor of mine once said that when we make a decision to change something in our lives, the universe tests our resolve. I don’t know if it’s true, but it seems like it sometimes. And if it is true, then my resolve was tested this year.

I won’t miss 2011. I was a tough year. It’s hard to keep my sights set on the things I want when I’m exhausted at the end of the day. 2012 will be interesting. I’m determined to make changes. I’m proud of some of the things I’ve done, but I know my life isn’t being lived exactly right. And I need to change that. I tried to do the “right” things. Didn’t work. I gave up. That didn’t work either. It’s time now for me to make the most of it.

I wish you a “most of it” 2012 J

OUTLIERS

I read Outliers recently. Malcolm Gladwell's new book. Interesting stuff that has really changed how I'm looking at things. It's about how they've documented that real success is more a product of work, opportunity and circumstances rather than raw talent. Explains a lot really. And even though he doesn't mention it, to me, it has interesting spiritual overtones. 

If circumstances dictate that much, and have THAT much influence, it levels the playing field. We can all do a lot more than we probably think. And it got me thinking, which of my circumstances might be giving me an extra opportunity?  

The place I grew up. The classes I took. The classes I didn't take. The friends I made, and the friends I walked away from. It's mind boggling. 

There's a great quote from Thom Yorke of Radiohead awhile back that blew me away. They had just named Kid A one of the greatest albums of the last decade and the interviewer was asking him how they did it. He said they were all listening to Miles Davis at the time. They tried to make a Miles Davis album, but none of them could play like Miles. So it naturally bastardized into something original. 

I feel that way about most of my artistic endeavors. I want to do a particular thing, but I can't. I don't have the right skill set. I walk away feeling like I failed. Then I'll come back after some time away and realize it came out just right. 

FIRST THING I READ THIS MORNING

from "Running on Empty" by Charles Bukowski

...do you see
now that you see that
everything they told us
was wrong?

the elephant caught
like that
and caged
like that?

the way they tricked us
and caged us too?

...what you do see is that
what mattered most
doesn't matter so much
anymore 

Amazing poem. i've been noticing lately that many of the things that used to matter so much to me, don't matter all that much anymore. I've grown. And I've changed. And I'm finding myself in a new self that I need to adapt to. Confused? Me too. 

PEARL JAM 20 YEAR MOVIE

I went to see the Pearl Jam 20 year reunion movie the other night in Hollywood. It got some luke warm reviews, but I was drawn to it and wanted to see it. 

All the old footage was great. It took me right back. Being in Kik Tracee at the time those guys broke, I saw that period from my perspective. It was cool to see more about their experience. Music needed a reality check. And it got it. I remember hearing the Nirvana album for the first time and instantly knowing the world had changed. Like millions of others, I loved it. 

I drove down Sunset Blvd. afterward, even though there are shorter routes to my house. I listened to "Nevermind." So many memories. It was inspiring. I wasn't capable of being the kind of person I wanted to be back then. I was confused and didn't trust myself as a person or an artist. 

I'm in the process of a restart of my life right now, and I see that I have developed certain qualities I lacked back then. I feel good about where I am today. Art means something different to me. I understand things I didn't before. Experience is a hard, but effective teacher. And even though the body starts to shrivel, growing up has its perks. 

HAPPY FACEBOOKIRTHDAY!

Last week was my birthday. I love my birthday. I don't always make a big deal or event out of it, but I always make sure to take at least part of the day to myself. It's good for reflection. Where am I? Where was I last year? Am I headed in a good direction? It's my own little personal holiday. 

In 2009 I was in Europe and had one of the most profound experiences of my life. Last year I was in Nevada City and went for a beautiful dinner. This year it was off to the desert and I took most of the day off. 

Through a bizarre set of circumstances, the possibility of cold hamburgers in the parking lot for my birthday dinner due to a massive power outage, turned into a fabulous dinner in a beautiful restaurant paid for by the hotel.

I'm a lucky guy. I forget that sometimes. 

And Facebook. Some people say that Facebook friends aren't real friends. And I agree in some respects. But I have to balance that by saying that I've had some pretty great conversations with people half way across the world. And Facebook Birthdays. All those messages. All day. It just feels good. A lot of people thought enough of me to take a second when they saw it was my birthday and post. Good stuff. Thank you for all the calls and posts :) 

GOAL ATTAINMENT RITUAL

I brush my teeth at night for the same reason we all do. I'm hedging my bets, hoping my pearly whites don't fall out of my head before I die, when I won't need them anymore.  

So I go to brush my teeth last night like I always do. Nothing special. I noted how tired I looked in the mirror, squeezed some paste out of the tube and started scrubbing my teeth. I just wanted to get back to bed and watch the end of Stephen Colbert before I went to sleep. It had been a long day.  

I was completely on autopilot, my hand doing its' obligitory robotic circular motion, when I got this crazy  thought... 

"I'm actually cleaning something right now. My teeth." 

Never occurred to me. Somehow I learned that circular scrubbing motion when I was a kid, labeled it "brushing my teeth" and never revisited the topic. For all these years I've used the same hand motions never actually trying to clean my teeth! I was just moving the brush around in my mouth like I learned. 

In light of this fabulous new information, I decided last night to focus on the hand motions necessary to "clean my teeth". 

It was literally an entirely different motion of my hand! Blew my mind.  

What other things have I accepted as "the way it is" and never questioned again? I bet there's a ton. I'm on the hunt now.

Maybe it's the David Hockney book I'm reading on perspective right now that has me reanalyzing and looking everything differently. I don't know, but I can't remember a time when brushing my teeth blew my mind like that. Pretty cool :)